Monkey See, Monkey Do

a not so brief TMI explanation/rant/search for advice and/or a bit of hope…

I was just about to excitedly add my name to the ever-growing list of lovely pregnant Mumblr list when something happened. That’s why I’ve been absent, I didn’t know what to say or if I wanted to share quite yet. But, let’s not skip ahead, let’s start at the beginning.

On the 16th I realized (when tracking the fact the hubs and I had sex the night before on my period tracker) I had missed my period…took a pregnancy test and two pink lines popped up…holy shit! I’m pregnant! On the 18th I start to wonder if maybe something is wrong. I have no symptoms. Not sick to my stomach, not peeing every five seconds, my boobs don’t look or feel any different. By the 20th I still wasn’t sure what to think. The only semi-symptoms I was feeling I thought were just caused by my thoughts of symptoms, you know?

On Sunday, the 22nd I got what I thought was my first real pregnancy symptom. Not five minutes after posting my last post I started cramping, worse than any menstrual cramps I’ve ever had, and ran to the bathroom to be sick. Tried to poop, thinking consitpation was causing the cramps, when I started getting extremely hot and lightheaded. Started stripping off layers of clothing to get comfortable, while continuing to try and poop. This continued for about three minutes and I left the bathroom and cuddled on the couch with Remi to watch a movie. Didn’t take long before the cramps started again and this time ended with a lovely bout of diarrhea. After that I was exhausted, but feeling better. When the hubs and Xander got back from the hockey game he sent me to bed. He woke me up later that night for sex, and then I started feeling nauseous again. But I slept through it.

Woke up the next morning and I found blood on the paper after wiping. I freaked out! Cramps+blood=bad. Had the hubs run out for some pads so I could monitor what was going on and I took it easy the rest of the day. I knew I needed to call my doctor, but we couldn’t find our new insurance cards…

On Tuesday, I called my OB’s office and left this message, “two weeks ago I missed my period, got a positive pregnancy test and two days ago I started cramping and yesterday I noticed what looks like the start of a period.”

Nurse called back and said, “we need you to come in for some blood work to make sure your HCG levels are decreasing. After a miscarriage we need to monitor your levels until they are at zero. Did you also know you were past due for you well-woman check-up, let’s go ahead and schedule that as well.”

She didn’t ask me any questions. Didn’t talk to me at all. Just took my message and decided I’d had a miscarriage and that was that. I was shocked, and didn’t know what to say, so I just sat there as she scheduled my appointments. When I got off the phone I couldn’t help but sit and cry. I didn’t want to give up that easily. Lots of women notice some bleeding at the beginning of their pregnancy, right? I started googling HCG levels and decided that denial was the best place for me at that time. All I cared about what a high number after the labs.

Went in Wednesday morning, lab tech took my blood, I signed papers and was sent on my way. Again, no one talked to me, no one explained anything, and I didn’t ask. I was upset at myself for not asking, but I didn’t know what to say…I expected a call later that day with results. I mean, I think this is a pretty serious issue, one that the patient would want to be notified of immediately once something is known, right? Didn’t hear anything. Finally, yesterday afternoon I called and left a message that I had labs done the day before and would really like some answers.

Nurse called back and said my test results were 168, which were inconclusive for a miscarriage, that they’d like to test again to see if the levels were decreasing or if they increased we’d need to schedule a sonogram. I went back in first thing this morning. As the lab tech labeled my vile of blood I asked how long it took to get the results back. She said I should know something today, that it was a four hour turn from the time the labs were sent off…

I didn’t get a call today.

I tried calling them around 3:15pm this afternoon.

Something was wrong with their phone.

All I got was a busy signal for 30 minutes.

Went online to see if I could find out anything, they had posted my lab results…250 today! The went up! That means they should have called me and scheduled a sonogram!

I didn’t get a call today. I don’t know what the deal is, but come Monday morning I am finding a new doctor.

Am I being silly? How do you A) diagnose a miscarriage over the phone and then give no further information, B) not think this woman who thought she was pregnant a sense of importance by giving her a call with results, and C) not care enough to then make her wait the rest of the weekend without further answers?

So, I don’t know if I’m pregnant or not at this point. I am still ever-so-slightly bleeding each day. I still believe denial is the best place for me right now. It seems to be working. I want this baby. I want to be pregnant again. I want to not worry. I just want to know what’s going on…